Broken 4 is in the editor's hands. Firebird 2 is finally coming along nicely. Unfortunately I don't have anything in the way of snippets from either of those to share with you guys, but I do have a small piece of another person's work for those looking for a distraction to get them to the weekend.
My sister is taking her first steps down the difficult road of being an author and sent me something and asked if it was any good. Something about the scene grabbed my interest and I told her as much.
Unfortunately, she doesn't believe me and thinks I'm being nice because I'm her sister. So it's time to throw her in the sea of hard knocks and let others see and interact with her creation. It's how I learned and developed as a writer so I thought it might prod her along.
Flavor wise, this would be similar to Pathfinder's Way but maybe a little darker.
P.S. I have my sister's permission to post. I'd never do something like this without it. I know how exciting and scary it is to let strangers read your work.
I hope you enjoy this short glimpse into an unfinished world. Caution: This has been through very little editing.
Short Scene:
Short, chubby legs and little grubby feet raced as fast as they could. A woman’s hand, clasped tight around my small fist dragged me onward. Always onward.
“Rest?” I remembered pleading.
“Later,” she promised.
Time passed slowly, marked only by the pain under my ribs, increasing with every gasp and step. A carpet of needles softened our progress, the trees that had shed their weight giving silent testimony to our flight. From what, I could never remember. Twice I stumbled, the grip on my arm all but yanking it from my body.
“Up,” she hissed. “Quickly.”
Her voice, even when sharp, held a melodic quality that caressed my ears. Sometimes, when the wind dances before a thunderstorm, I could almost hear that melody. Almost.
A thwack sounded, something akin to flesh meeting wood. The woman stopped and looked around before slowly meeting my gaze again. Her hand left mine as she took several halting, jerking steps forward before collapsing to her knees where she remained, facing away from me.
Tentatively, I shuffled forward, distantly aware of the ache in my right ankle and the scrape along my left knee.
“Rest?” I whispered, confused by the sudden change.
I circled her body, keeping a tight path around her suddenly still figure. Something caught my foot and I reached out, grabbing her shoulder to steady myself.
Her eyes were unfocused, seeing far beyond my purview. I stepped closer, my young mind refusing to understand.
"Momma?” I questioned, my voice barely a breath.
Her gaze snapped to mine, sharp and piercing. “My Nyree.”
A cough interrupted, blood spurting forth to spray gently across my face. It was only then that I looked down, a glint catching my attention. Protruding from her chest was the tip of a double edged arrowhead. The shaft just barely visible.
“Be brave. Be strong.” A soft whistling noise escaped her lips. “Now run!”
She shoved me away from her before falling forward, face hidden among the debris on the forest floor.
I stood motionless for a moment, gazing down at her prone form before a sudden, sharp cracking filled me with liquid terror. Heeding her last warning, I dashed into the brush, fear spurring my legs to pump faster than before.
My memory came in flashes now--like the flickering of a candle at the end of its wick. The scenes of my panicked terror were caught in sharp relief in time to my labored breathing.
Glancing down, I saw my little legs, barely moving. It was as if someone had poured molten lead into my veins and watched it harden, laughing all the while at my pitiful attempts to flee.
In the end though, it hadn’t mattered. They caught me anyway.
My sister is taking her first steps down the difficult road of being an author and sent me something and asked if it was any good. Something about the scene grabbed my interest and I told her as much.
Unfortunately, she doesn't believe me and thinks I'm being nice because I'm her sister. So it's time to throw her in the sea of hard knocks and let others see and interact with her creation. It's how I learned and developed as a writer so I thought it might prod her along.
Flavor wise, this would be similar to Pathfinder's Way but maybe a little darker.
P.S. I have my sister's permission to post. I'd never do something like this without it. I know how exciting and scary it is to let strangers read your work.
I hope you enjoy this short glimpse into an unfinished world. Caution: This has been through very little editing.
Short Scene:
Short, chubby legs and little grubby feet raced as fast as they could. A woman’s hand, clasped tight around my small fist dragged me onward. Always onward.
“Rest?” I remembered pleading.
Her head turned, her eyes finding mine. Long auburn hair trailed down her back in a heavy braid, wisps of gold and copper escaping to frame her face. A flash of impatience crossed her sun kissed features before she dragged me forward, ignoring my plea.
“Later,” she promised.
Time passed slowly, marked only by the pain under my ribs, increasing with every gasp and step. A carpet of needles softened our progress, the trees that had shed their weight giving silent testimony to our flight. From what, I could never remember. Twice I stumbled, the grip on my arm all but yanking it from my body.
“Up,” she hissed. “Quickly.”
Her voice, even when sharp, held a melodic quality that caressed my ears. Sometimes, when the wind dances before a thunderstorm, I could almost hear that melody. Almost.
A thwack sounded, something akin to flesh meeting wood. The woman stopped and looked around before slowly meeting my gaze again. Her hand left mine as she took several halting, jerking steps forward before collapsing to her knees where she remained, facing away from me.
Tentatively, I shuffled forward, distantly aware of the ache in my right ankle and the scrape along my left knee.
“Rest?” I whispered, confused by the sudden change.
I circled her body, keeping a tight path around her suddenly still figure. Something caught my foot and I reached out, grabbing her shoulder to steady myself.
Her eyes were unfocused, seeing far beyond my purview. I stepped closer, my young mind refusing to understand.
"Momma?” I questioned, my voice barely a breath.
Her gaze snapped to mine, sharp and piercing. “My Nyree.”
A cough interrupted, blood spurting forth to spray gently across my face. It was only then that I looked down, a glint catching my attention. Protruding from her chest was the tip of a double edged arrowhead. The shaft just barely visible.
“Be brave. Be strong.” A soft whistling noise escaped her lips. “Now run!”
She shoved me away from her before falling forward, face hidden among the debris on the forest floor.
I stood motionless for a moment, gazing down at her prone form before a sudden, sharp cracking filled me with liquid terror. Heeding her last warning, I dashed into the brush, fear spurring my legs to pump faster than before.
My memory came in flashes now--like the flickering of a candle at the end of its wick. The scenes of my panicked terror were caught in sharp relief in time to my labored breathing.
Glancing down, I saw my little legs, barely moving. It was as if someone had poured molten lead into my veins and watched it harden, laughing all the while at my pitiful attempts to flee.
In the end though, it hadn’t mattered. They caught me anyway.
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It absolutely caught my attention. Please let me know if she decides to publish. I would buy to find out what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI thought the author did a pretty good job, I understand that it’s a scene of panic and and escape, however it felt rushed, like the author wanted to get through all the descriptions fast because that’s what the characters were doing. I felt that the descriptors were missing something and I can’t explain exactly what, one example was when she was describing the mother, yes she gave all the right details, but it felt like the author was going down a list of, this is how we describe someone: hair color, check, in a braid, check etc. etc. The author has talent, and as long as she’s willing to listen and learn she will go far just like her sister.
ReplyDeleteGreat so far!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing. I'd be interested in more.
ReplyDeleteYes tell her not to stop.Interesting the little tibit thats been started.
ReplyDeleteBe brave and have a go .I would buy it.
Yeah, I want to read what happens next. The story flows well and manages to convey a sense of urgency and suspense that catches your attention and makes you want to read more. I would be more careful with descriptions, some of them feel too convoluted. Example: "Her voice, even when sharp, held a melodic quality that caressed my ears. Sometimes, when the wind dances before a thunderstorm, I could almost hear that melody. Almost."
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to create a good mental picture from this passage and the way it is constructed feels weird. I would rephrase as "Her voice, even when sharp, held a melodic quality that caressed my ears, like the dance of the wind before a thunderstorm".
In any case, it seems like literary talent is strong in your family. Maybe she can ask for some beta readers? If she has a finished novel I volunteer myself as a tribute!
Well I liked it. I want to know who 'they' are and what happens after the child has been caught. I want to know why the mother was running away and what sort of world do they all live on. I also really really want book two in the firebird series! Please, and thank you.😊
ReplyDeleteI liked it! It makes me want to know who they were running from and why
ReplyDeleteI liked it - and if it was in the preview snippet, i would buy the book to learn more.
ReplyDelete